This web site was established in March, 2003, to protest Don Imus and my enemies andtormenters who have worked to destroy me for these last 14 years.
For years he has used his influence to harasse and oppress me, at State Farm in 1998, and in 2001 and
2002 he appears to have had some influence over Mrs. Jack Swanson , and caused her to join in the oppression.They were only following up Michael Weiner, Michael Krasney, and others at KQED who originally started
harassing me in 1991 after I wrote some letters to the U. S. Senate.(see the archives at the Moynihan)
Soon I will escape them and take refuge in the Corpus
Christi and find the peace they denied
me in life.
You can not take it
with you.That is the meaning of the admonition that it is easier for the camel
to pass through the eye of the needle than for the rich to enterGod’s
kingdom.The rich can not enter with their possessions.
To die is good, never
to have been born is best.This is why Shakespeare left his wife his “second
best bed.”In his best bed he sleeps even now.
Do you know how
your mind begs for life like a child when the muzzle of the gun, hammer cocked, round chambered, another chance?And you relent and take the job as a taxi driver or a currier?Only
again to be tormented and harassed?Do you know what that is like?I want to live as much as you.But rich powerful men and women,
have used their influence and power to destroy me.I die in protest.
To protest Michael
Weiner, his burglary, his decade of oppression, I will die.
When I quit my job
at GAB Robins Don Imus asked irritably on the air, “What is it suicide?”In quitting the job that he had rigged I had taken away his fun.He wanted
to see me tormented.To protest Don Imus, I will die.
Ron Owens, I
die to protest your oppression.
Rosie Allen, Jim Dunbar,
Ed Wygant, Ted---
Counselor:. . .
Ed Baxter, Gene Burns,
Bernie Ward, all the rest of you who know about the burglary, the torment, the over a decade of oppression;who knew and did nothing, I die to protest your
complicity. You enjoyed discussing my notebooks?You took pleasure from watching me tormented and harassed.Think of the
pleasure you will have watching me die.
Mrs. Jack Swanson, Brian Wilson,
my death is a protest of your hypocrisy.
Senator Hatch, I protest
your:“I’ve heard what you do to some of your listeners.”As I have said, hypocrisy does not begin to describe your corruption.
A snuff site.
A special treat for the
millionaires, Michael Weiner, and Don Imus, and Ron Owens; now you can watch your victim die.What pleasure for you!What satisfaction!Any millionaire can have cable TV, travel around the world, live in mansions, but how many can have the pleasure of
forcing another to his death?
I have given
away the clothes, the couch, (it folded out into a bed so I could live in a studio, or even a single bedroom), the coffee
table, (it came from the house in Pennsylvania, (it was originally a side board but my father shortened it to be a coffee
table)), the cabinet, (it belonged to my father’s father, (it had a Magnavox
radio),all my things.
are gone today.I have cutout some pictures from the newspapers.
in the center was Marlene’s and mine . . . I was not always as you see me now.The house under that picture is a house in Florida I adjusted after a hurricane.A house wreck.The woman on the left is an angel.The
one on the right in red and green is harder to see.
have been my family these last years.I have felt responsible for all of these
things but particularly the books.I have kept them in plastic boxes to protect
them from dust and mice.The storage locker has been our home.It has been a great comfort knowing that they were there, safe.
But the rent
is $400 a month.And the money is nearly gone.So I have to find them a new home.Each one tears at my heart but then
I try to remind myself that nothing lasts.
You can not
take it with you either.Giving all these things away is a practice for the final
relinquishment of life itself.Preparations.
Preparation of the Dead
I find myself
wanting to save things.A pair of boots.Save them?Save them for what?I
remind myself that where I am going I will not be able to take anything.
are gone now. I was going to build!I
designed a small chair.The idea is that if you sit close to the floor even an
eight foot ceiling looks roomy.With your legs tucked under you, less room is
taken up, which also makes a small room look more roomy. I think I have
found a place for my books.I was going to give them to a local prison but I
recalled that they tear the covers off of them to keep the prisoners from fashioning knives out of them.I can’t have them tearing up my books.Then I remind
myself that I really don’t have anything.I do not have anything.There are just some things that need to be moved.Some loose ends.Still, it is hard saying good bye to . . . life, all of these familiar things.
Meditation on the Dead
At what point do you know you know?
After betrayal, how do you know when the betrayal has come to an end?
‘Oh, well, yes, we betrayed you then, . . . but this is now, you can trust us now.’
I’ve just gotten some calls from prospective employers.Are they
genuine?Or did Michael Weiner, or Don Imus, or Ron Owens, or Michael Krasney,
or Mrs. Jack Swanson put them up to it?
Is this another one of your tricks?Run me around?Make me jump through some hoops?More psychological warfare?
I want a job.Not because it will alter my decision.It will not.No, I want the job so that you can not say afterwards,
‘Oh, yeah, he killed himself . . . he was unemployed you know.’
I want the job so that when I sit down on the sidewalk in front of the KQED building and pull the plastic garbage bag
over my head, with my back to the wall and put the gun in my mouth, and blow my brains out the back of my head, you will not
be able to think, ‘He was unemployed.’
That is meditation.The, ‘He was unemployed.’A lot of you think that meditation is some arcane special thing.It is not.You do it all the time.
Alan Watts gives the example of how, after sitting for a time, reading for example, absorbed in some activity, and
then you stop, and get up, and go to the window and look out.Just look out to
see what’s going on, the weather, the time of day, just looking.That is
After I am gone, you will hear that someone has shot himself in front of the KQED building.There has been a shooting.And some of you, those of you who
have first hand knowledge of these matters, who have listened to the tapes that Michael Weiner has secretly recordedyou may feel . . . what, shock?Can shock jocks be shocked?(One leftist journalist on KQED said that there is a web site where you can listen to recordings
of “disturbed people.”Am I on some of those audio files?Did you listen to me after my father died?After my mother?How long has Weiner been recording?You
see, one never knows.What is real, what is Psy Ops?)
Or you may be one of the ones at KGO who know about the stolen notebook.You
have heard Mrs. Jack Swanson boasting about how she had me followed and would drop references in her broadcasts about where
I had been, or about the stolen CENCAL letters.
And there may be a moment of recognition, that you knew about what had been done to me for all these years, possibly
. . . well, not exactly guilt . . . but a moment of thought, ‘Oh, so he
did kill himself after all . . .’
But if you simply stay with that thought and follow your thoughts, just watch, just to see what is going on, then as
one thought follows another, that process, this watching your thoughts, just to see, that is meditation.
I do not want you to be able to have the thought:‘He was unemployed
. . .’I do not want to give you an easy out.I want you to face the fact that I said I would kill myself to protest that I live in a world where people,
like you, will simply watch as another man is destroyed.I want you to face that
fact.My death in protest of you.
However, if you are an “experienced meditater,” like Yvonne, or my sister Susan, then you will simply face
the fact that I am dead.Then the
thought may come, ‘He was unhappy.’Or ‘I should call . . .’Or something.And there will be some
At first you might even feel guilt.There may be the sudden realization
that now it is too late to say anything; to give evidence.You may even be one
of the people whose actions I am protesting.But if you just watch your mind,
after a while your thoughts will settle down again.That I am now dead will settle
in.An accomplished fact.
Time will pass.The phone will ring.You will get hungry and start thinking about lunch.This is the thing
about meditation, watching, after a while you come to realize that one thought follows another.
Some of you may be suspicious that being an “experienced meditater” is not such a good thing.I mean if you have tormented another human being for a dozen years and that person has just killed himself
in protest, and after watching the feelings of guilt arise up, you then watch them subside?You get hungry and make plans for lunch?It may sound inhuman.
Well in Buddhist philosophy this is why one should not engage in wrongful conduct.The karma of wrongful conduct is that it causes these feelings of conflict and guilt, etc. to arise and cloud meditation.Most Westerners mistakenly think of karma as “divine retribution” or some
system of justice.But karma really just means cause and effect.You should not betray your fellow human beings because the effect will be to cloud your life with problems.
But if you are an “experienced meditater” you know that you only need to sit and watch and those karmic
feelings will eventually be replaced by other feelings.Life goes on.Being an “experienced meditater” does not mean that you have thought about justice, or living
a good life, or anything at all.It just means your are experienced about watching
the different feelings and thoughts arise and go away.
In the San FranciscoBay Area we have a lot of “experienced meditaters.”With
what result you can judge for yourself.
I just do not want them to be able to think, ‘Oh, he is dead, . . . he was unemployed you know.”They will not be able to take that route.
So though I do not know if one of my tormenters is behind these recent calls from prospective employers I will go and
I went to the interviews.The person who called me and requested the appointment for one of the interviews,
called on Wednesday, and was “out sick” on Friday, after my Thursday
post about the appointment, at Professional Staffing.In the months since I have
not received any other contact.It appears that it was a set up.Another example of harassment.
The other interview was
with a large insurer.The interview is described in the May Lecture Notes.
It is probably just as
well.If I had a job then you could not say, “Yes he killed himself, .
. . he was unemployed you know,”and yet if I could go on . . .
For truth is if I did
have a job I would probably find some excuse to put off the business.The sun
rise tomorrow.Or a new book by.. .Mr. Tom Wolfe, or a dishonest argument
by some politico needing to be put right . . . some contribution I still might make; all
the things I have not yet read, the music I have not heard, or want to hear again . . . there are a thousand reasons to put
off the end.
And who knows in the future
the survivors may envy the dead and count me lucky to have been set upon by this pack of dogs that have ruined me and brought
After I wrote
the Last Letter I was dismayed that no one came forward at that time.Obviously
many people knew about what had happened.I expected that in time Yvonne, or
my sister, someone, would acknowledge what had been done, perhaps apologize?(Yvonne
did explain herself with her story.(see Yvonne’s Story in the Stolen Notebook)
But my sister never explained her participation, not to this very day.)
As the months
passed my alienation grew greater.‘So this is my country?’ I thought.
I had been betrayed and abandoned.I
determined never again to become involved in politics.The sole survivor.
year there was the first WorldTradeCenter
and the attackers were clearly connected to Iraq.Several had come from Iraq, others fled back to Iraqafter the attack.I was mystified that no onediscussed this at the time.
Then a few months
later, President Bush himself was the target of an Iraqi assassination attack.I
had warned him to remove Saddam Hussein, he had acknowledged my letters, the Senate also, and many Senators had also acknowledged
They were trying
to K-I-L-L him!
And again, no
one seemed to notice.Mr. Bush himself had nothing to say.
That no one came
forward about me.That the local Public Broadcasting Station could interfere
with my private contract with Yvonne, harasse me for months, ok, fine, no one cared.
But here was
the former President of the United States, targeted for assassination, by an enemy power, against which we had just fought
a war in which hundreds had died, and no one cared about that either?Not even
I told you so.Yes I thought that.But more importantly
I could not understand how human beings were thinking.How?Why?It was incomprehensible.
Then came the
profound sense, in mid 1993, that if they would do nothing for Mr. Bush, how could I possibly ever have thought anyone would
care what PBS’s KQED did to me? If the Senate
does not care about him why would they care that some scribbler was destroyed because he wrote to the Senate?
I had been told about America was a lie.There was a Senate.But no ordinary citizens could not write to it.There was a democracy in name only.It did not exist for the likes of
But in a
way I was accustomed to this idea.This is the story of my life.We have universities but they are not for me.
I went to
the university but the professors do not have to make comments on your papers.Their
comments do not have to include suggestions for further research.They do not
have to recommend further areas for study or works to be read.
it be great to have “public universities?”But that too is a con.Like the Senate and our “democracy” it is a lie, a ruse.It looks like a democracy but if you should write letters your life will be destroyed.
like a PublicUniversity but if you go there it turns out that it is in the control of a political elite.Not really Public at all.
. . . another lie.And my sister Susan . . . more lies.And Yvonne, another con . . . all lies.A veil of lies.
And so history
unfolds and I am sitting in my car in front of Farmers Insurance and the radio mentions that a plane has hit the World Trade
Center. I get out my TV and look at the towers burn, crumble and the huge cloud of dust.
No one responded
to the Last Letter in 1992.No one cared what was done to me.No one cared what was done to Mr. Bush!God Damn You.God Damn You.
Connect the dots?I can not express the contempt I feel for you.
I grew increasingly
suspicious of Yvonne after she took Marlene and me to the KQED studio in November, 1991, for several months, into 1992, I
grew increasingly alarmed that people were making references to me and Marlene.Yvonne
And an aspect
of my situation is that there has never been any final confirmation.No moment
The Red Comedian,
(he would want me to use his name), one day made a reference to me, and I burst into tears.So it was true!Yvonne was a liar!All lies.A gigantic con.
And I know that
many readers are reading this and shrugging their shoulders.So they did you
in a bad way.People are like that.
killed hundreds of thousands in Iraqbetween 1991 and 2003.Bernie Ward recently said on his Sunday show that “there was no genocide in Iraq.”He calls his Sunday show God Talk..
You do not care?Do not care that Yvonne is liar?Do not
care that PBS’ station KQED used its power and influence to destroy a man solely because he wrote some letters? Do not
care that a group of Iraqis tried to blow up the WorldTradeCenter?
Do not care that Mr. Bush was targeted for assassination by our enemy?Do
not care that Saddam Hussein killed 400,000 Iraqis?God Damn you.God Damn you.
At first I was
going to jump off the Golden Gate
bridge.(Years later Duane Garrett would in fact jump.)Then I set out to expose the conspiracy.I determined that
before I killed myself I would prove that Yvonne had betrayed her client, that KQED had . . . etc. etc. etc.
then were months of searching.
I tried but as
I say there was never any final proof, no moment of resolution.I did go back
to see Yvonne again, she did tell her story, (Yvonne’s Story), but she has never to this day admitted anything.She has remained true to the Revolution, or the Cause, or whatever Red Socialist Ideal
it is that motivated her and the others.
I remember only
the people.The buildings.I photographed
them.Coming.Going.Trying to establish a connection between my sister Susan, and Yvonne, and KQED.I organized protests in front of KQED.Trying to provoke a
And all these
years later the conspiracy holds fast.The WorldTradeCenterhas crumbled and fallen.Wars swept over the land.400,000 have
perished. But the conspiracy lasts.In
fact has grown, with Michael Weiner and Don Imus and others joining in.God Damn
you.God Damn you.
Whither shall I go from thy spirit, whither shall I fly from thy presence?
If I ascend into heaven thou art there, if I make my bed in hell, behold thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. --- Psalm 139
with a start.As the day of my death draws near I sleep less soundly.It does not get easier as the time grows closer.
only depressives can kill themselves.
to live but I must die to protest . . . to protest . . . Yvonne’s betrayal, and Marlene’s too.I see now that I stayed with Marlene as long as I did because . . . well because of the same reason I held
on to being an insurance adjuster . . . held on like a hand in the rigging during a storm . . . held on for dear life . .
. I was beaten down long before the Bay Area politicos
got to work on me . . . I protest all of it.I do not care if my tormenters know
I protest them or not or if they rejoice.I do not care if they enjoy driving
me to my death.Or that they feel they have won!I protest their enjoyment of their victory even as they cheer.
I thought I was fighting the good fight, but now I see that it was only rope-a-dope,
not a fight at all;
Well I do not want to hang on anymore.Michael Weiner and Don Imus enjoyed the spectacle of watching the crewman hanging on, trying to right himself . . .
like spectators at the coliseum . . . watching the tigers circle . . . “look,oh, this will be good.”
also the rest of them, all the aiders and abettors.Why did so many help them.And in particular the Senate.It still
amazes as it hurts.“I have heard what you have done to some of your listeners.”
--- Senator Hatch
What liars.I protest you most of all.
up last night from a nightmare.I was working on a movie.I had to set up the lighting for the scenes.The sets for
the movies were all painted black.The scenes were to be digitally added later
in post production but the actors would walk in front of sets with various black painted forms, or backdrops, and the lighting
on the actors had to be perfect.
each set carefully, going over the script and how the actors would move on the set so that I could judge where the lights
should be placed.In this scene, a light here, then another there, backlighting,
side and front, where the shadows would be cast.
sets had to be worked on more quickly.No sooner had I worked out the details
of the best location for the stage lighting than another set arose up and displaced the last one.I worked more quickly, literally flying up and installing a spotlight here far above the set, then zooming
down to install flood lights down on the floor, then up again for a backlight, and then the next set, all black, and increasingly
gigantic, wood loom up out of the vast darkness. . .
faster and faster, but it became impossible to keep up, . . . trying to cast
light on the dark sets . . . in which the actors would cross, strut and fret their hour . . .
with a start, in a real panic . . . my time is almost up . . . all will be darkness.
assures us that death will not be like going to sleep.We will not dream.Death will be like that time before we were born.Not sleep but nonexistence.
do not want to die.It will have to be an act of will.A murder.
Whither shall I go from
thy spirit, whither shall I fly from thy presence? If I ascend into heaven thou art there, if I make my bed in hell, behold
thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there shall thy hand
lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. --- Psalm 139
have become the last days.Soon the last hours, then minutes, then eternity.
I have lost
interest in politics, society, humanity.It all seems to dissolve into only more
examples of dishonesty.
I have been looking at the discussion about Social Security from the outside as it were, with one foot in the grave.
Counselor:Now, we have talked about this before . . . anger management skills . . .
you have like a premium service that is more supportive.
Counselor:I can charge you more but it will not determine my responses.
As we saw
earlier with the so called “progressive income tax”(see Lecture
Notes 09-25-&-30-04) both Republicans and Democrats, again, conspire to tell
a lie to the people each for their own reasons.
Security proves the truth of Ludwig von Mises’ dictum, “there is no such thing as capital there are only capital
goods.”The Federal I. O. U.s are worthless not just because the promises
of the United States are illusory, ((they are); for example the U. S. IRS promised me anonymity in the criminal investigation of Crawford and Co. ( see The
IRS and the Illegals from the North,)))but, rather because the money was not carried forward in a capital good, an enterprise valued by the consumers,(the only source of value), thereby conferring
value on into the future.
But the Democrats
and the Republicans insist on the falsity that people have “contributed” “retirement
savings” and even “investments” into “trust accounts” ----all of it, every last word, lies.
was not invested it was spent.Some spent on current retirees, some simply spent
on what ever the Senate and House chose.Let us be generous and say that not
all of these expenditures were for the good of the people or their future:squandered.
As just one
example consider the money spent on rich retirees.They claim, supported by the
sycophantic Democrats and Republicans that they are only collecting their due “contributions.”Liars!
the top 20%with retirement incomes above the national median, (without including
the payment of their “Social Security contributions”), lived tax free the whole of their working lives, passing
on their taxes to the consumers in price rises, in fact had their withholding tax capped, received benefit after benefit from
the government, in grants, in loans, and guarantees, and Federal monopolies, and subsidies, all the benefits that the U. S.
could confer, including for example the security the U. S. Navy created, and the open markets, globalization, that the Navy
made possible, supplying them all their lives with cheap goods, at the cost of lower wages for their fellow citizens who paid
the taxes, both directly to the U. S. and indirectly, (in the higher prices that the top 20% passed on in their price increases),
and now -----after all of that, these selfish dumb bastards take from the wages,
wages of now three schlubs for every retiree, these payments that were not “saved,” nor “invested,”
not kept in “trust accounts,”funds which in point of fact were spent
on projects that the top 20% had a disproportionate influence over in their Congress, (which they own), funds spent on, for
example, “wine institutes,” on the repair of storm damaged ocean front mansions, (located on coasts from which
the working schlubs are banned), funds squandered in every conceivable way to aid and benefit the top 20%, but not one penny
was spent on for example laser disks with self paced educational programs for those schlubs whose paychecks are being shorted
so that these selfish, corrupt people, people like Don Imus, and Michael Weiner, and Mrs. Jack Swanson, can bank their maxed
out Social Security checks, -------this then is the great lie about which the
Democrat and Republican conspire to confound the public, (those three working
schlubs), whose money is stolen so the rich retirees can steel one last time
before going to the grave, oh, no, not the last time,no there will be Medicare,
socialized medicine, for them as they puke away in old age.
But as I say,
enough of all that.They want the votes, the Democrat and Republicans, they want
their money too, but mainly they want to buy the civil peace.The top 20% wouldn’t
support the Social Security system if they did not get their end from the paychecks of the bottom 80%.
All through life
they ripped off the people manipulating the government, to manipulate the market, squeezing the supply, raising their prices,
why should they stop now in retirement and become altruistic?Especially in retirement!Now, when they can no longer raise
their prices!No longer on the corporate expense account, no longer sucking the
whory tits. Now, in old age, they must squeeze every last drop from the great
sow, with their last dying strength.
I die to protest
And no, I do
not suppose they will in the slightest way be changed. Neither my words, or my
blood, or my last sudden breath as my head kicks back against the wall of the KQED building, will move them.I know.
I do not care.
Still one never
knows.It is impossible to tell.Michael
Weiner is such a schizophrenic that he himself has no way of telling what will happen to him.Like Mrs. Jack Swanson, they are both of them such obsessive compulsives that it is as likely that their neuroses will
actually protect them as cause them to be tormented for the rest of their days fixating on how they drove a fellow human to
Don Imus, the
degenerate druggy, also obsessive compulsive,and ---- now that I think about
it, these broadcasters, these carnival barkers, they all of them are neurotics, obsessive compulsives aren’t they?
Yes, . . . think
about the job, everyday they must go in and perform, good days and bad, showmen!Their neuroses actually help them perform!Most people would be too ashamed to go on the air again after saying the sort of things they say every day.
Yes!Of Course.After Duane Garrett’s death I stopped going
to see Yvonne.But when Michael Weiner used his contacts in the ADL and the San
Rafael Police to burglarize my room at the Colonial Motel I wrote a letter to Yvonne.After the week of listening to Weiner read from the stolen notebook, (see Stolen Notebook archive at the Moynihan),
I was outraged, but then, the following week, Brian Wilson, Mrs. Jack Swanson, and the others, Jim Dunbar, Ted Wygant, Ted
Baxter—Ed Baxter, all of them made references to the stolen notebook.I
thought I could embarrass them --- not knowing how sick they really were.
So I wrote a
note to Yvonne about the burglary and their on air references to the notebook, (see Dear Yvonne archive at the Moynihan),
knowing that she would share the note with others and the word would get around.I
thought that I would turn Yvonne around, use her to get out the word, instead of having her work against me as she had done,
And it worked.She did share the notes.They all started
making references to what I had written to Yvonne.I had sought to shame them,
but they would not be shamed.Yes,
they seemed to be saying, we know about the burglary, we know your notebook was stolen and a jolly good read it was!
I was shocked.I wrote a few more letters.They positively
roared with laughter, making even more references.‘Yes we know so what?’,they seemed to challenge.
No, they were
I stopped writing
to Yvonne.But of course they did not stop.Michael Krasney followed me to AAA, Michael Weiner used his contact with Scott Bobro at Farmers, (or was it Ron Owens?
(see Psy Ops and Intel Operations on the main campus)),Mrs. Jack Swanson had
me followed for two years and used her contacts with the owners of CENCAL Insurance to obtain the letters, (see CENCAL Letters
archives at the Moynihan),and then Don Imus used his influence with GAB Robins
and Frank Blaha to harasse me there.
That is when
I started this web site, March 2003.
is long enough.But do not suppose that I believe blood will shame those who
could not be shamed with words?
So, no, I do
not expect my death will change them.Or if it does it will only be because their
weird psychological gyrations spin them that way, it is completely unpredictable.
Don Imus will probably not pause for a moment on hearing that a shooting has taken place in front of KQED.But what about Deidre Imus?Who can say?
recall thatshe became hysterical about a toy cap gun and then, MY GOD!, a pocket
knife TOO!Why do you think she became so unglued?Well just think about
it.She is married to Don Imus.Is
that normal?What kind of psychology does it take to marry Don Imus?Rich?Well, yes.But
what is the psychology of someone who would actually . . . marry him?Someone
with an inordinate concern for security.
Someone who thinks
it important that her child be born in a penthouse.Mansions, and limousines,
are important?Especially if you are a neurotic like Diedre.That is why she had the nanny put out in the middle of the desert atfour in the morning.A POCKET KNIFE!A neurotic’s paranoid delusion.And Don Imus of course, desperate,
puts the nanny out.What does he care?“Terrorist,”that is what he said, but what did he think?
It was all very “amusing.”
is the word he kept using when he made repeated references to my situation.He
had heard about the Weiner’s burglary, the following from job to job, so when Shotgun Tom Kelly’s brother in 1998
was working at State Farm with me, well, here was his opportunity to get a piece of it.(see Intel Operations and Psy Ops.)
But what will
Deidre do after I am dead? Will she be driven mad?Is she obsessive?Oh, yeah, she is at least that.What then Don?Will you still find it “amusing?”
And after me
who else she will wonder?Deidre . . . oh, . . . Deidre Imus, . . . there are
a lot of lone wolves out there . . . I will fund this web site for several years before I go over to KQED . . . who knows
. . . not everyone is as cooperative as me . . .Who knows what she will
think?Even she does not know, for even though they are such neurotics that they
can not be shamed, still, others might come forward. . . . How many others has Don Imus done this to?. . . She might be safe, but . . . what about her son? . . . well
. . . it does not matter.
Now there is
a way to save Social Security . . . kill us off!Better!Force us to kill ourselves!Brilliant!
But as I say
not everyone will be as accommodating.As I mentioned before,if you can see that killing solves nothing then why kill anyone.
. . ?But as I say not everyone is as “philosophical” about their
No, I die not
to cause any change at all.It really does not interest me to speculate.For one thing it is unknowable.Even
Mrs. Jack Swanson does not know what will happen to her inside her disturbed little mind.Michael Weiner may go on as before, or my death may trigger a psychotic reaction . . . even he does not know . . .
to drive another to his death . . . he may confuse it in his own mind to the death of his father or mother, . . . or will
it thrill him, there is just know way of knowing.Who cares?
Even if they
all go mad, Weiner and Swanson, Deidre, or if they should fall victim to some psychosis, who cares?I take no joy even in the speculation.
And if not concerned
with the fate of my enemies, much less the future of Social Security.Even bio-warfare
does not interest me now just days as I am from my own death.
For years I have
been studying developments, reading the books, The Coming Plague, The Hot Zone, The Cobra Event, all those years while these
carnival barkers were harassing me, I was studying the growing catastrophe, even
as these vicious fools hectored me. ForI realized very early, that bio-warfare was far more important than the laser disks about which I had written the Senate
back in the late 1980’s.(see Math Project and NewRuskinCollege archives at the Moynihan.)
But I was not
going to get involved again.I watched and said nothing.I had had enough.When the Clinton administration did nothing about the genocide in Rwanda I said nothing.It was not just the one million killed, but the egotism of these phony liberals, all
the Bay Area liberals, radicals, Greens, all of them, many the very ones who had attacked me because I was a Republican and
they were more---more what?Good?Honest?Kind?Horrible egotists, and they said nothing while a million
were murdered.Oh, they would have done something about the NAZIS, boy if only
they had been alive then . . . the hypocrisy!
But I said nothing
because I had written the last letter in 1992, (see The Last Letter archive at the Moynihan), and I had told everyone about
what the people at KQED had done, how they had conspired with Yvonne, the counselor, .
. . and no one did a thing.This was my society?Yes!What a fool.I tried
to interest society in the application of technology in education,. . . why?Hopeless.I gave up.These Bay Area “liberals” set out to destroy me because they disagreed with my politics.And no one cared.
receipt of the Last Letter.Senator Moynihan acknowledged receipt.But even he, this great man, did nothing.So I turned my back
Then the next
year, in 1993 Saddam Hussein attempted to kill Mr. Bush (41), and sent out and later
protected the bomb makers who attacked the WorldTradeCenterTowers, and again no one did a thing . . .
I watched all
of it, and I stopped writing letters to Yvonne because clearly that was not helping . . . and I would still not have said
a word except that Don Imus started talking about my email at GAB Robins in 2003, the eleventh year of my torment.
So I do not care
ifanything changes upon my death.
bio-warfare, I am beyond these things now.(I know! You could ask Don Imus.“By the way Ali Sistani is just
another Khomeini.”He actually offered this opinion based on. . . his several decades of boozing and whores.It reminds
me of Al Gore offering the reason for his assessment of Iraq.“Based on my experience in Vietnam . . .”But then, this is how they stay out there in the public, this impenetrable egotism,
their fat relentless egos.Yes, you should listen to Don Imus, and go to hell.)
With my death
I protest you, all of you, the ones who are silent most of all, but I do not expect you to change either.
I want to live,
but I die,and I do not care if you or anything or anyone changes.
The prisoner has been
pouring over the help wanted ads.Scouring them for any job.
I let him take one the
last time we came down to “the end.”That was when he took
the job as a courier.The one where the b----
Counselor:Your women readers do not appreciate your constant use of the “B” word.
But she was a . . . Ron
Owens’. . Owens’ . . . we never did find out what that relationship
was to the children’s clothing designer at Gymboree.(see Psy Ops and Intel
Anyway the prisoner carefully
examines the ads every day.Searching.
What is he looking for? Searching.For what?
In the end he agrees,
there is nothing that can be done.We are finished.
The last few days have
been spent in tears.
I think that I have reached
bottom, that I have come to terms with my end. . . and then I discover some
new awareness, a deeper level of despair . . . I suppose this is how it will be right up to the last second when I pull the
trigger.A series of moments, each more profound than the instant before right
up to the very last.
My dreams have become
hallucinatory.Last night I was flying over the Himalayas.I would pass mountain peaks,
the veins of the rock, the snow, the sunlight, were perfectly clear.Then at a pass I flew over a plain stone stupa.Everything
perfectly detailed.Red earth, green grass, and two men in golden robes and shaven
heads their black hair bristling, smiling, looking up, and waiving at me as I flew overhead.
Then down the valley a
small village, on the side of the mountain, on the right.Every house of stone
perfectly clear.I could even see cracks or chips missing in the stones.Goats.And children.Smoke from the fires coming out of the chimneys.People looked
up at me as I flew overhead, smiling, waiving.
Then night before last
I was at home with my brothers and sisters.Thirty years ago.We were all going to go to a dance.We were together in the
living room. My sisters in long dresses of blue and green.Somewhat more elegant than my brothers and me in sports jackets, but with ties.
I was surprised that everyone
was young and happy.All smiles.Cheerfully
looking forward to the dance.Joking.
But, the thing is, I thought
as I woke up.My brothers and sisters never went to a dance together.
Then for the last few
days this deep melancholia.Tears. Then long periods of sitting waiting for the
I thought I had been all
through this already.What else, what more could there be?And then this heavy sorrow . . . oppressing . . .
I still thought something
might happen.Somehow, something.Even now after all this time . . .
My death only days away
now, and still, this deep depression . . . and this hope . . . ?Hope? Why hope?
I think about all the
others who have died before me.Why should there be hope?
More and more tears.‘They will not let me work.They followed me from job to job.At every turn.Even when I took a job as a messenger Ron L-owens-tein had his contact with that woman, that bitch, at
Gymboree, to harasse, to humiliate, to ruin.At every turn.“They even block the construction of homes!”I
shouted out loud, hitting the steering wheel.Then sobbing tears.‘The unfairness!’
Last night I dreamt of a hurricane.Outside I could see the sheets
of rain.I could feel the wind blowing in from the furious sea, white with foam.Foam turned up in huge mountains flown against the shore.The sea turned dark blue, the sky black with dark gray clouds and the dark sheets of rain.I could see it all as if I was standing there.
I was looking for an address.The numbers were transposed?I looked more carefully.The addresses were on signs, posts,
black numbers on white plaques this one, then another, but not mine, not the
one I was looking for, they looked like grave markers.But I had to get in side
from the gale because I need to get a phone call.My little sister was at school
and would need help to get home through the storm.She would call me.Or was it Marlene?Or was it Yvonne?The phone rings.I pick it up, it is a woman at a carpet company
trying to get work.If I “cooperate”
they can help me she purrs.
(The insurance companies have been driving the wages of their adjusters ever lower.(I recall that auto appraisals once cost $150.Then the companies “negotiated”
a $100 then a $75 dollar rate.(For volume you see.If the adjuster sees 3 cars at the shop he will make $225 ‘on just! one stop!’ was the explanation.
)But when the rate went to $25 I said, “The insurance companies will start
to become suspicious when the auto ‘adjusters’ offer to adjust the auto claims for free?”The riposte was “Or when the adjusters offer to pay for the privilege of ‘adjusting’
the claims.” )Years later you can read about the “busts” of
auto shops for “cheating” the insurance companies.TV pictures of
shop managers being lead away in handcuffs.This is because the insurance companies
did finally eliminate the adjusters and simply told the auto body shops to write up the bill themselves without ever inspecting
the cars.Now the police and the Department of Insurance are the adjusters, the
insurance companies having finally eliminated all cost of adjusting their claims, pushing all costs off onto society.Note that the more money spent on auto claims the higher the premiums the companies
can charge.As they live off the float it is to their advantage as the percentage
of the GDP passing through the insurance industry’s
books goes up.(This may be why State Farm pushed to destroy the “after
market” parts business.Counter-intuitively by ordering that the undercoat
not be applied to body panels, the resulting rust and litigation, justified the elimination of “after market”
parts thus driving up claims 20-30% and increasing the insurance industry draw.)
I became angry at the call.Was this some sort of threat?If I did not do “business” with them then what . . .?Is that it.The criminals in the insurance adjusting business.Dick Harvey?I know he and the Multiple Claims Service
criminals used their influence.(see Foremost v. Multiple Claims Service)Who else?The criminals . . . on
the phone . . .But I was thinking about my little sister out there in the storm trying to get home.The wind was howling.I could barely hear the phone.Or was it Marlene?Or was it Yvonne I
was expecting to call for help in the storm?
I woke up.
I still think Yvonne might call.Even now.
Why?What could possibly change?
There would still be the injustice but someone, some human contact, someone might understand.
Why should that matter?
I have been surrounded by my enemies for so long.
On the radio Mrs. Jack Swanson is shouting that the “crackpots” are trying to get market pricing of
the roads with “satellites”.Leading economists, experts in transportation,
the whole of our philosophy, of markets, everything tells us that there are no “free” ways, yet this person, who
describes herself as “vicious” is calling everyone else “crackpots.”
Lee Rodgers says that this is only going to be added to the existing taxes.But if it is then the criticism is not about market pricing of roads but is a complaint about being over taxed.Why not privatize the roads?He
prefers to misdirect.The blind leading the blind.Yet he sounds like Randi Rhodes yammering on about ‘markets’ and ‘capitalism’ and
‘corporations.’But then in neither case is there thinking going
on.Just “filling dead air,” as Randi Rhodes says of herself.Any sound will do.See?It is the “market”not the rich powerful people,
like Kerry, Kennedy, Feinstein, et al.
In the BayArea $200 million will be spent on tunnels out on the coast
highway in a restricted development zone.The coast highway is the “scenic”road.Yet the Caldecott Tunnels, there
are three,allow millions of people to cross the coastal hills that divide Contra
Costa and AlamedaCounties.A forth or even a fifth tunnel is needed here as there are at times 25 miles of cars waiting to cross at this choke
In a system of market allocation the tunnels would be built at the Caldecott where millions of commuters would benefit
not out on the scenic highway.But the bureaucrats respond to who knows what?Movie stars?Powerful people?Rich people?
And then I change channels and there is this state politician explaining that there is a fundamental difference
in California between those of us who believe in the “philosophy of the Founding Fathers of less government and freedom”
and the Democrats who believe in the “German philosophers” who think “government should be used to improve
society whatever improve means to those who hold power.”
And the idiot radio hosts say, “Oh, that is great we have to save that for our ‘Saturday Best of Program’.”I kid you not.
They do not ask the Sacramento politician if he supports the zoning codes that have been used to exclude people from the Bay
Area?They do not discuss how these exclusionary zoning codes ruin any chance
for mass transit.(You can not have mass transit if you do not have mass housing.)Would Hegel have been in favor or would he have opposed exclusionary zoning?The pair of idiots on the radio do not ask this question.(I think Adam Smith would have favored letting cities self organize.I am sure he wouldnot have supported imposing government control over
how every piece of property is used.Using state control so the rich could force
the middle class out of the cities.)No, the radio host have nothing to say.(Perhaps that is why they are on the radio, just because they have nothing to say.They are safe.Stay on script and keep
your job. )
Does our Sacramento Philosopher have anything to say about the misallocation of the roads or does he only study Hegelian
Philosophy?For example those tunnels out on the coast highway, maybe they could
be at the Caldecott so that those commuters, (you know the ones who are paying the taxes), who live out there on the other
side of the coastal hills, (because of the exclusionary zoning and the down zoning of the Bay Area core), maybe CalTrans could
place the tunnels at the Caldecott, so that instead of having to wait an hour
in the 25 mile traffic jam those commuters could be at home,with their families?
No, no questions.Would Hegel been
in favor of CalTrans or against it?(I think Adam Smith would be in favor of
Or when will our Sacramento Philosopher establish vouchers for our schools? (The
radio host do not ask this either.)Or for example, why will he not at least
allow home schooled children to attend a few of the classes at the local high schools and middle schools?(The teachers unions have banned home schooled students from attending regular classes, for example, the
music classes, or the chemistry class.If they do not attend full time they can
not attend at all.This even though they are paying the same taxes as everyone
else.If they are not in the other classes they are helping with the student
teacher ratio.) No, nothing, just, ‘um-hums’they are just so proud to be on the radio, to be in Sacramento, so important.
And so it goes.Mrs. Jack Swanson, the vicious bitch, is shouting that
everyone else is a “crackpot.”Lee Rodgers changes the subject from market pricing of roads to how the “greedy politicians” just want more
money.The idiots on the other channel are just so impressed with that line about
“German Philosophers.”But of course they have no questions to ask.Nothing to say.No point to be made.Mouthpieces.
Mrs. Jack Swanson will go on and on, shouting, viciously shouting, that horrible flat voice, ignorance in action.That she used her influence with the millionaire owners of CENCAL insurance to harass
me.For months used her show to report where I had last been seen or what I had
And Michael Krasney who did the same.And Michael Weiner who for years,
. . . and the burglary.And then Imus . . . hypocrites doesn’t begin
to cover it.(Yvonne denied knowing Weiner, so he must have been informed by
her “friends” at thecoffee klatch, in the Chatterbox Café.
And they have reduced me to tears.Just now.I could have pulled the trigger.
I was on the phone, the carpet company wants some work and there is the air of menace, if I do not participate .
. . “your manager said to call you . . . for work” . . . and the hurricane is screaming . . . and my sister is
going to call, she needs help . . .
And I may have transposed the numbers for the address, I’ll check twice. I always double check my numbers.
And of course it is unfair.I want to tell someone.Yvonne.Some human contact.
So I wipe the tears from my cheeks and pull over.There I have finished
typing.It takes my mind off of the time running out.I have just a few more days.
I can pull the trigger.
So even though it is useless.I am surrounded by liars and hypocrites,
the worst kind of vicious villains.At every quarter and high and low.Horrible . . .
At every turn . . . at every turn . . . they have blocked me, employment . . . they will not even allow houses to
be built.In the middle of this huge 9 million people urban center . . .
not even here . . .
idiots on the radio are talking about “German Philosophers”what
idiotswhat villains God God let me kill myself soon . . . why wait?What hope can be left?Human contact . . .?
What is it?I have forgotten.Is there anyone left?Even just one person?
Ah, this is why there are suicide clubs.One last chance to be together with someone.Anyone.
IT IS JUST ME.
The dreams continue.
Again as before there was this cinematic detail.The factory was black
and grey, but the lines on the shop floor were white, and red.The walls were
painted green to eight feet.The porcelain drinking fountain.The overheadpipes were gray and white with the hoppers of
stainless steel, and yellow connectors.
I moved through the factory and it seemed familiar.I once adjusted
a claim for a fire in a candy factory.But in my dream it was night and all the
lights were off.
Was I not supposed to be here?There was a truck parked in the center
of the plant with a set of doubles, high cube with the extended floors like the ones for movers and farm commodities.
Then I walked by.There was some threat. A confusion of encounters.People talking. The cargo.What was being unloaded into the trailers from those
stainless steel pipes overhead?
Then the truck drove away.The FBI needed my help. They were there at the factory but the truck was gone.I walked into an office at the plant.The
Steelcase furniture, in pale blues and green.The papers on the desks.Everything was familiar.And there were people.They too were familiar. They knew me.Greeted me.
I got the manifest for the tractor trailer that had just left.I walked
out to the plant floor.Past the calendar.The clock on the wall.
I woke up.Was it biologicals?Or . . .?
(A small nuclear bomb is the equivalent of12,000 tons of explosives.12,000 tons could be placed in a stack of shipping
containers ten wide, five high, with eight in a row.You can see such stacks
all around ports.Such a stack could be fitted in a small warehouse,or a small container ship, or on a sea going barge.
“A marshal's task begins 12 miles off the Golden Gate, where the pilot boat, sleek as a yacht, waits for ships bound for San FranciscoBay.
“ ‘If this ship went up, we would have a big fireball,’ says Coast Guard Chief Petty Officer Mark
Rea, one of two sea marshals assigned to board . . .” (SFGate)
At 12 miles the explosion of 12,000 tons of explosives would vaporize a cubic mile of ocean and the resulting tidal
wave would put a wall of water 5 feet high onto the streets of San Francisco.
At 20 knotsthe ship would be within six miles of San Francisco in less than thirty minutes.There the detonation would cause a tidal wave of 12 feet and there would be a blast
wave as well.
In less than an hour, the detonation would be within a mile of San Francisco, the downtown area would be vaporized, the blast wave would
decimate the remainder, and the tidal wave would send a wall of water 12 feet high across the EastBay.
Now, what if the containers were in a local warehouse already?)
The cinematic dreams stopped for a time.Then last night
I had another.
I think they are related to my growing awareness ofmy death.
The greater the awareness the more intense the dreams. The realization
comes in waves.Periods of deep despair as I once again come to the realization
that nothing will change the course of my life which leads directly to my death.
Then there are periods when hope again is rekindled.For
example, when Al Franken first started making references to this web site I thought, “maybe he knows something?Is he going to. . .”and then hope washes away, flows back down into the rising tide of hopelessness.
The last several days have been grim.Then last night this
I was standing on a hill surrounded by other hills, an upland, in the sun, and all about me were ruins.Stone ruins of cathedrals or castles, thousands of years old, Roman arches surrounding
an amphitheater or circus, grass was going among the stones which lay on the ground.You could make out the pattern of streets and avenues where once there was a city.
Then I was indoors inside an old building bigger than a cathedral.It was dark.There was a roof supported by steel girders that had been
added to hold it up.There were sheds in side on the ground level with bare electric
lights, and high up above in the distance you could make out the gray and blackened stones and here and there the arched windows
without glass let in light far away and high up.
Walking with me were a group in hard hats, discussing the project.The sheds were shops and they were showing me the progress in rebuilding this building.There were workers but all the work was minuscule compared to the size of the building which soared high up and far
away.Here was the rotunda they said.I
looked up into the vast darkness, “this is were the rotunda used to be.”And then a little further along this was the great entry hall, the entrance far away was borded up and there was darkness,
pigeons flew from their perches up above.
The group explained to me that they needed help.They had
plans, they showed me their blue prints.We hiked outside again to look over
the problem. Outside in the sun again, standing among the swaying weeds and the fallen stones we stood together in a group
discussing the problem.
Looking about they explained that whenever they tried to rebuild a section of a fallen building it would
collapse.They pointed across from us to one building after another which they
had tried to rebuild and showed the freshly fallen stones that had come down.Only
the great building, in which we had just been surveying, was still standing but it was far from complete, an empty shell of
a building with steel buttresses needed inside to keep it standing.What to do?
I became aware that the director of the project had appointed me to this task.We looked again at the blue prints and the surrounding ruins.I
explained pointing to a cross section of the foundations that the buildings were founded on stones, large boulders, and as
I pointed to the diagrams they turned into a video illustration.Where there
were large boulders under the building foundations the buildings had stood, but under the portions of the walls, and I pointed
here and there, there was only slag and the ground could not support the walls.The
foundations would have to be made deeper to support the weight of the buildings.This
is why they had fallen.
We went back inside and began work immediately.Yvonne was
there in hard hat, smiling.And as we worked there was an overlay of a calendar
its pages being blown off year after year.For it was an immense project, we
had a huge team, bulldozers were brought in, the walls of the city began to rise, but the calendar pages pealed off, 1991,1992,. . . 1998,. . . 2003, year after year, decades later . . .
We were standing under the great rotunda, I looked up into the vast space, the walls now glowed with
a rich sandstone yellow, and the windows were now glassed in and there were many new openings in the old walls, modern windows
among the old stones, light streaming in, and rich inlayed marbles and dark woods in intricate patterns all the way down as
I looked down onto the main floor filled with light.We walked into the great
entry hall and now people were coming into the building, we went over to the entry and looking outside through the new curtains
of glass we could see the whole city had been rebuilt, it was now filled with people, it was a glorious sunny day, and yet
it was snowing.
Andwe had grown older after all these years, Yvonne and
I, and our team of engineer builders they also were now old men and women.No
longer in hardhats we were all dressed in suits.Yvonne too which was strange
for I had never seen her in a business suit. We turned from the entry, and walked back into the entry hall a soaring space
a dozen stories high, and we went past the reception area where visitors were being greeted and into the business offices.
We went down a long corridor.It was huge.It was wider and longer than any I had ever seen.Carpeted
. . .
We turned into a large room three stories high but windowless deep inside the building yet lit by light
streaming down from above.I was still looking around at everything checking
to make sure everything was finished.I had a sense of being much older now,
a long period of time had passed by, and in my mind’s eye I could still see the pages of the calendar being pulled off
one after the other.
There was a bank of chairs set opposite a large upholstered swivel
chair with cherry wood control panels set on each arm of the chair.The director’s
chair.But where was the director? He was standing with others discussing the completion of the successful project.I checked the chair, every detail.I
could see the stitching in the plush yellow leather, thickly padded.The pattern in the carpet.Dich paneled walls.Everything in perfect detail.
The project was over.I was much older.And Yvonne too, the hair turned white, and all of us, we were older, but the project was complete.There was this sense of immense satisfaction.The city had been rebuilt and all was done, and in every detail.The director
was celebrating.There was a huge crowd in the director’s office.Joy.There was champagne.Beside the director’s chair was a hanging file tray.I
walked over and examined them disinterestedly.Yvonne was by my side smiling.Weboth had this sense of completion
and satisfaction.I could tell by her eyes.We had finished the job.
I looked over the files, and realized that these were the personnel files of everyone who had worked
on the project.All the builders, the engineers, everyone.I looked for my file.There it was.I reached into the file and pulled out my file.I was surprised
how thick it was.My curriculum vitae.Yvonne was standing there, her white hair, her smile.The project was
complete.There was this deep sense of completion, of satisfaction.All those years.And now everything was complete.
I opened the file it was my resume, but in hundreds of typed pages.And there were illustrations in detailed line drawings like the drawings in the Wall Street Journal.As I paged through I could see drawings of how the building looked when we had started, ruins.Then there were drawings of the construction.There was the
illustration of the foundations.All the images of the dream I had just had were
there.I tried to read the written words which normally in my dreams I can never
quite make out.I will focus on a page and see the letters, but I can never quite
make out what it says.And now I still could not see, focus as I might, but now
there was not anxiety or distress, there was just this immense sense of satisfaction.Completion.We had finished.Yvonne
I continued to look at the illustrations reliving the dream I had just had.And I could see the pages of the calendar pulling off the pad, year by year.And I felt myself growing older.And this rich, warm sense
of completion and satisfaction.Yvonne smiling.We were done.And the director was talking with the people.And everyone was excited and happy that the city had been rebuilt.
And I awoke with this same sense of satisfaction and completion.And even now after , I have been thinking
of my death and still there is this rich warm feeling of completion.Everything
has been done.
And even after I compare my actual life so terribly foreshortened and diminished as it is, cut off from
everything, how little I have accomplished, even fully aware of how empty, yet even so, there is still even now this rich
warm sense of completion.The city has been rebuilt on a new foundation.Everything is done.
But for how much longer do you suppose will the director let you send his agents back to him this way?If you beat and torment and murder them, crucify them, do you not suppose that at
some point the director will become displeased with you?Then what will he do?Who next shall he send to you?
My internet access is about to be cut.I have already lost my mailing address.My phone will soon
be gone.The credit company is calling about the car payment.
overstayed my time.I had wanted to leave before all of this started crashing
in on me.I have stayed as long as I have because of what I have been calling
‘the glitch.” (see also Psy Ops No. Nine 11-11-04 Paranoia:Or How to Destroy a Man)
you are alienated from people you stay to yourself.This is the “fatal
flaw.”It is a flaw because we all need each other, no man is an island,
yet if your are, as Dr. Edel put it, a “klutz”, you keep to yourself.I
did not want to be a problem for people. Do you see?It works both ways, “the glitch.”It has kept
me going yet it also blocked me.Something about me.So I have tried to live my life without causing trouble for others. Alone.
know what it is that allows others to continue.How do you have a relationship
with others?I don’t know.So
I kept to myself.I persevered for years. Alone.And as the harassment mounted I withdrew further and further.I tried
to make a life for myself.
Christmases, New Years Days, birthdays, Fourth of Julies, alone, and alone.One
year I bought a Christmas wreath and hooked up Christmas tree lights.I listened
to music, read, listened to the radio.I even had internet access this last year
and a half.
to take walks but because I feared they would break into it, or steal the whole car, I always took walks so that I could keep
the car in sight.But these last few months I even stopped that.Too much risk.What if they ran up to it and got away before
I could get back?
The “glitch.”I deliberately decided not to take a
job because what if they harassed me again?Some customer walks in and then starts
ranting, accuses me of saying something?The employer might know it was untrue
but who wants the trouble?How do you have a relationship? Stand on your rights?Do you even call it that?You see, I just have no idea.What is the framework?What are the rules?How do you say, ‘yes, there are a whole group of rich powerful people trying to destroy me, . . .
but I promise to be a good employee . . .?’I don’t want to bring
anyone else down, cause problems . . . etc.
I was driven into greater and greater isolation.When things began to become
desperate I searched for some job, any job, pouring over the want ads, but what if . . .?
end has come.
always had trouble relating to people.They are difficult to fathom.I tried to stay away from them, or interact only in clearly defined roles, with a specific relationship.I always came early to work, stayed until the days work was done, careful of time,
always correct in my conduct.But none of this stood up to the harassment. I
saved twenty homes at the bottom of our insured’s hillside in Napa that was threatening to slide down on top of them.Were
they grateful for my prompt action?I helped thousands of accident victims, people
whose homes burned down.
a very conscientious employee.Careful to explain all their rights.Circumspect to a fault you might say.Always very careful
to be absolutely correct.
of this was any good.I was driven back at every turn.And just for sport.
to thank all of you who have been visiting the sight recently; the numbers have jumped.The site was set up for just a few people who were ‘in the know’ but recently many more from the ‘outside’
have been visiting.I even considered another postponement.‘Maybe one of them can do something?’ Hope even at the last minute!
to live.It is this wanting to live that makes this a protest.That hope.
have already stayed too long.
want to explain the “fatal flaw” so you can see how it worked.To
help someone else.
when my little sister came home from college she pronounced that Ronald Reagan was responsible for AIDS.He killed them.Because of the budget.I at first thought to explain that this was wrong.Even if
the budget were ten times higher for research or medical aid the solution, the cure, was no where in sight.That the biology budgets had been ruined under the inflation of the 1970s, and that those budgets, had
they kept up ten, twenty years before would have been the only way to “fight AIDS.”
research had not yet been done.Not Reagan but reality, the world, our stark
ignorance was the problem.That what she had “learned” in school
was just propaganda by leftwing professors . . . then I realized that I was the family “retard” that anything
I might say would be rejected out of hand.Who was I to say anything?I withdrew from the discussion.
example, fifteen years later sitting with my father when William Bennett was on the news.My father looked over to me and said, “that man, what a pompous politician.”My father directed his words to me, why?I had never even
mentioned William Bennett.His name had never before come up.Then I saw my oldest brother, Tom, sitting across from our father smirking at me.Smirking?At me?He
understood the attack on Bennett to be an attack on me.Why?
sometimes mentioned my support for Reagan and Republicans.Bennett had been the
Secretary of Education under Reagan.Our father was also a Republican but thought
Bennett “sanctimonious.”This was years before the gambling problem was made public. Bob Brinker
also had similar comments about Bennett at the time the gambling problem was exposed.Sanctimony.A prig. Bennett
had spoken in favor of decency,this marks you out as “sanctimonious”
in today’s society.
could I say?I was, I guessed from my brother’s smirk the “conservative”,
the brunt of unknown family jokes, smirks, remarks of ridicule.And how much secret ridicule before?
example with Marlene.Or Yvonne. Or with any of them?How do you speak up?How do you claim some right to speak?Is that how to put it?Right?You see I don’t even know the basis upon which you live your lives.Have you ever even thought to question yourself at this level?Who
are you? By what right?You have
been marked out a “retard,” a fool, a loser . . . etc.Has the problem
ever crossed your mind?Drowning on dry land.How do you relate to all of them?
you have a relationship with even your own family?Your brother smirking in secret
knowledge that our father is contemptuous.What had he said before?
when I was targeted what could I do?Who was involved?But even if I knew what could I do?Is this what Yvonne told
them?‘He’s a loser.He
will not do anything.He is an isolated vulnerable individual.He will retreat into his shell.Quite literally his shell.’Is that what she told them?
you have a relationship?How can you even confront people who work in secret?
have tried to live.In ever greater isolation, but I tried to continue, to make
My father.Marlene.Yvonne.My sister Susan.What do you say?I don’t know how to. . . what?Confront them.Reason.Talk?
you are a “retard” by what right, how?You do not want to make “trouble”,
to be a “problem.”
and greater isolation.
the attacks began.Year after year.From
a confusion of horrible egotistical lunatics.And powerful.They controlled my employers!My bosses bosses!
might be anyone.
even know why the numbers of visitors has shot up.First hope.Then I realized that the interest was just that I am dieing.
don’t know . . .
Everything has now been
given away. I gave everything to my sister Susan. She did not keep the books. She let me know that
she had gone along with Tom and also took her "share" of the little money left me. This is my family. All there is left to do is to wait and see.The minutes . . .